Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
