dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
