is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Terrible idea I love it
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
