I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
worst night to have a conscience
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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