he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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