my phone needs a breathalizer
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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