So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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