i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
