last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
