Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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