if i can run in heels then i can drive
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
