I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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