sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
