those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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