what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
