Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
