Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
