Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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