That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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