you would pick up someone in the library
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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