im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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