I can text with my tongue
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
