You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
