Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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