Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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