Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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