So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
