sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
