I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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