Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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