she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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