Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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