Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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