Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
