I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
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