I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
