I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
