woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
