Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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