Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
