Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
