It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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