my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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