:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
