Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I have grass duct taped all over my body
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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