that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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