You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
