I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
