FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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