I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My penis needs a shock collar
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
