Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
