I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
