The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
