bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
