can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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