I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
