you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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