Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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