I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
