Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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