I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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