the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
